#LDchat Archive
Understood holds this weekly Twitter chat that aims to keep the momentum going and raise awareness of learning and attention issues. Follow along with hashtag #LDCHAT and follow users @understoodchats & @understoodorg. Experts will be available to answer your questions and concerns and share resources from Understood.org.
Wednesday November 2, 2016
Welcome to today’s LD Chat! This is Dan with the Understood team.
We’re excited to have parenting expert and author cohosting today’s chat.
I agree! A lifelong challenge for all of us to maintain the standards for real friendship. It's a two-way street.
We’ll be chatting about the challenges of making and keeping friends for kids with .
I am delighted to be with you all today.
Me, I'm from Italy, and I am caretaking a boy with Asperger syndrome.
I'm a character educator who has been answer tween and teen email for 19 years. It's mostly about friendship challenges.
So great to have you today!
Peter here. with a PhD. ? That's me! I wrote a book! Screwed up Somehow but not Stupid.
Hi Brian! How are you today?
Peter, I'm so glad to meet you.
Always great to have you, Peter!
Hi Brian. How's it going?
Hi there. I'm glad you're with us.
Friendship sure is a toughie.
We’re giving away ’s book, Real Friends vs. the Other Kind. Keep an eye on your DMs after the chat to see if you've won.
Hi Annie, so nice to have you with us today!
I've been told I'm a real "character" ;-) Glad you're doing such important work Annie
Thanks for joining today!
That's one of my favorite books (if I do say so, myself) ;O)
One of the problem I see in "my" boy, is the difficult to start a conversation with other boys of his age. Any suggestions to give?
We'll be kicking off in just a minute...
We’ll use a Q1, Q2… format for questions. Please use the A1, A2… format for answers.
Hi everybody! That covers that. :-) Remember, people with NLD have no sense of humor. I read it in a book
Q1. What are some ways that you’ve seen kids with learning and attention issues have trouble making and keeping friends?
We should have a similar session for ADULTS.
A1 Tweens and up: They try to be friends with the most popular kids. Then they get rejected
I have an entire strategy for that Zak, email me brian@brianraymondking.com and I'll email a video to you.
A1 They assume other people share their interests
A1 They have trouble with turn taking, conversation skills, nonverbal communication, paralanguage, etc.
A1Tgere is the associated stigma of being disabled. Never underestimate that.
A1: When neurotypical peers get frustrated with them for things like lack of patience, difficulty reading social cues &/or focusing.
Difficulty maintaining a focused reciprocal conversation that includes attending to the other person
A1. Impulsivity can irritate peers
A1. Assumption: if someone looks & talks like me, I will like him or her! (Big assumption, I know, but that’s human nature.)
A1 They try to ignore their disability and wind up also ignoring their abilities and other positive qualities
A1: Sometimes difficulty with taking turns, sharing, compromising, empathizing. Issues w/gloating and/or being a sore loser.
Like tone of voice, volume, speed of speech etc.
All very good points. And very common.
A1. If someone talks (or learns) differently from me Assumption: I won't like him/her. The challenge is how "difference"is viewed.
A1. Language-based learning disabilities, slower processing speed can cause difficulty with social communication.
Q2. Which skills do you think are most important for making and keeping friends?
A1 Being stigmatized on the basis of having a disability can be as detrimental to friendships as not reading social cues.
Definitely a big assumption and speaks to how we judge based on appearances https://t.co/WSmjMr0s8F
A1. Assumption: if someone looks & talks like me, I will like him or her! (Big assumption, I know, but that’s human nature.)
A2 Very different skills in different situations. Online vs. in person, for instance.
Unfortunately, we (kids and adults) have that "appearance" bias. :O(
Oh yes. My working memory is a huge issue. I forget what is said to me in seconds.
A2. Being able to perspective-take, for younger kids, the ability to wait one's turn
A2 In person, there's a whole array of social skills that are not TAUGHT; NT kids get them by osmosis
Great point. What about online?
A2 Common interests or finding an area where they can be of use to non disabled peers.
A2. Ask a child! “What makes a good friend?” Or “I want a friend who is _______.” Find out what he or she thinks about this.
A2 Online is SO much easier! At least, if your LD isn't about language. Then it's all text! So cool!
A2 I love online. Everything I am bad at disappears.
I too experience the afore mentioned sucking
A2 Online you can't interrupt. No one knows what you're wearing. You can't talk too loud. You can't stand too close. IT's HEAVEN!
Make sure to keep an eye on your DMs later today to see if you’ve won a copy of ’s book!
(A1) Good point. Somtimes I perceive that when someone ask smthng to "LD boy", this one thinks they are making fun of him
A2 Of course, if you have problems with typing and language skills, then ... online might not be so good
yup. We do. So how do we work around it after we acknowledge we do it?
Teens with LD & ADHD face a whole new level of social challenges with group texts, phone calls, social media, and OMG dating.
(A1) but he soon realizes the contrary, and starts chatting.
A1 Often times, it's no fault of the kid that they are rejected by their peers. Don't always assume they are not reading social cues
A2. in general, most kids agree that they are drawn to “friends” who are: Nice, Respectful, Good listeners, Forgiving
Ah. OK. I was always drawn to people who were smart, interesting and argumentative (like me)
Q3. What are some common social challenges for middle and high schoolers, especially those with learning and attention issues?
Right! Tweens & teens' friendships happen is discontiguous short bursts via texts, social media. Can be hard to follow
My son with Asperger's went on his first date last year, to PROM. We did a lot of coaching with him.
A3 Well (paraphrasing Rick LaVoie) Adolescence is about fitting in; adulthood is about standing out. We have a problem fitting in
A3. For tweens/teens, peer approval=Gold. That’s about fitting in, ie. conformity. Or at least, not sticking out in a “bad” way.
Agreed! The trick for tween/teens is to "wear" their differences with confidence. That can become "cool."
A3 They expected to demonstrate more independence. If their disability makes it hard to drive, work, this further sets them apart.
For me, not until college.
Last question coming up...
Q4. Describe practical ways parents & educators can support the development of friendships for kids who struggle in this area.
A3: Younger kids may relent to play/socialize when encouraged to do so by a parent or teacher. Older kids make their own decisions.
A3. Self-confidence comes from knowing what we are good at. Give kids opps. to explore a world of interests and to follow a passion.
A4 Provide older mentors who can show them the ropes, but not peer buddies.
So true. You can't set up play-dates for most tweens/teens without a lot of push-back.
A4 Encourage friendship with a) Older kids (or adults) b) Younger kids c) Less popular kids d) Quirky kids
A4. Help kids learn what it means to be a real friend. It is a skill. (like riding a bike) It has specific components
ESOOOOO!!!! ♥♥♥ this answer!!! Follow a passion. SI!!!! https://t.co/yjKzzy6loi
A3. Self-confidence comes from knowing what we are good at. Give kids opps. to explore a world of interests and to follow a passion.
: (A3) Exactly, I can testify with my experience.
Those skills are NOT taught. I don't know what htey are and I'm 57
A4. Teach the skill set, with lots of opportunities to practice (safely), kids can gain mastery. It is a process. It takes time
A4: Consider a social skills class or support group. In the Metrowest area of MA, this is a great one: https://t.co/6lqz90Pljk
A4 Be careful though. Sometimes adults can make it worse or humiliate the kid if they try to bribe other kids to be their friends.
A4 Also ... SOME kids don't WANT friends. Or want very few. Don't assume the kid wants what you want
That's because schools don't typically prioritize Social & Emotional learning, Peter. They should!
I think it's because most people don't recognize that these are skills that can be learned and can be in them
A4. Parents should ask teachers, guidance, school social workers, school psychologists for support
A2 for the friend, understanding the other person has challenges. Not telling angry person "calm down" etc
A4 Our older son has no friends and is fine that way.
A4 If students have skills that can be of use to another, it can spark friendships.
That gives me hope. It's hard to watch your teen isolated & pretending he doesn't care abt dances, football games, etc.
I agree not all kids want a bunch of friends, but most kids want at least 1 real friend they can trust
For sure, most do. Even the vast majority. But ... there are exceptions.
A4: Consume media w/the child that demonstrates making and retaining friendships and talk about what's happening and why
A4 I always wanted friends, but I also always liked being alone a lot
Is it normal for a LD boy to have an imaginary friend to talk to?
A3 being misunderstood because of how they communicate/see the world. Bullying obviously.
A4. Of course, you're right. One size does not fit all. The child/or adult is the only one to know if they are happy.
We're about to wrap up. Any final thoughts?
A4 Sometimes it can be difficult for educators or psychologists to help as their is a generation gap. Sometimes their strategies
A4: Help children find a mentor who has similar issues! The mutual understanding and respect can help them thrive!
